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whole existence; the past but a confused dream. The odd part of
the matter is that she regards her position with me as a
perfectly natural one. No stray kitten adopted by a kind family
could have less sense of obligation, or a greater faith in the
serene ordering of the cosmos for its own private and peculiar
comfort. When I asked her a while ago what she would have done
had I left her on the bench in the Embankment Gardens, she
shrugged her shoulders and answered, as she had done before, that
either she would have died or some other nice gentleman would
have taken care of her.
Do you think nice gentlemen go about London looking for homeless
little girls? I asked on that occasion.
All gentlemen like beautiful girls, she replied, which brought
us to an old argument.
This afternoon, however, we did not argue. The day forbade it.
I lay with my head on Carlotta's lap, looking up into the deep
blue, and feeling a most curious sensation of positive happiness.
My attitude towards life has hitherto been negative. I have
avoided more than I have sought. I have not drunk deep of life
because I have been unathirst. To me
To stand aloof and view the fight
Is all the pleasure of the game.
My interest even in Judith has been of a detached nature. I have
been like Faust. I might have said:
_Werd' ich zum Augenblicke sagen
Werweile doch! Du bist so schon!_
Then may the devil take me and do what he likes with me!
I have never had the least inclination to apostrophise the moment
in this fashion and request it to tarry on account of its
exceeding charm. Never until this afternoon, when the deep
summer enchantment of the turquoise day was itself ensorcelised
by the witchery of a girl's springtide.
You have three, four, fiveoh, such a lot of grey hairs, said
Carlotta, looking down on my reclining head.
Many people have grey hair at twenty, said I.
But I have none.
You are not yet twenty, Carlotta.
Do you think I will have them then? Oh, it would be dreadful.
No one would care to have me.
And I? Am I thus the object of every one's disregard?
Oh, youyou are a man. It is right for a man. It makes him
look wise. His wife says, 'Behold, my husband has grey hair. He
has wisdom. If I am not good he will beat me. So I must obey
him.'
She wouldn't run off with a goodfornothing scamp of
twoandtwenty?
Oh, noo, said Carlotta. She would not be so wicked.

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